Ok, first off I am not going to die.  At least not anytime soon, that I know of anyway.  But there is no time like the present to get started in planning for the lives of those who will survive me, however pointless those lives may seem to be without me around. 

      Unfortunately for most of you, I have no actual valuable assets or cash and what I do have will go to my kids or more likely in reality the ex-wife as their guardian.  So she can probably plan to spend it all on a nice trip to Kings Island, as long as she can scrape together some discount coupons to help out.  But fear not I will be dispatching less tangible, but highly worthwhile nonetheless, items from the "Jon" collection of traits.  In addition I may be able to save back a few personal items to go along with these gifts when necessary, so don't worry it won't all just be nice thoughts there could be some miniscule value objects to go with it.  Woo-Hoo!  

       So here we go:

     To my best friend and lifelong hetero-life partner Maurice I leave my ability to say no to anything that would require much effort on my part when asked.  In concert with this comes my additional ability to ignore people that bother me, I know you already have  a strong measure of this but you can never have enough.  Sometimes you have to say no and just stay home and watch "the Office".  You also get any literature and video products and equipment that I have leftover, this includes the dvd in the "hidden spot" that you can pass along to your dad.

     To the lovely Sheryl I leave my decisiveness.  Sometimes you have to just make a choice and live with it, for good or bad.  In concert with this gift comes my ability to rationalize those decisions at a later date. You also get any and all hooded sweatshirts that I own. 

     To the equally lovely Lauren I leave my gambling and playful natures.  You need to take a few crazy risks every now and then just to feel the adrenaline rush that comes with potential disaster,and simultaneously being able to laugh at your wins and losses.  The playful nature can be used to augment your taunting and teasing skills and hone them to a fine and sharp point, so use it carefully, but generously.  In addition you can have whatever furniture and living arrangements I have at the time of my death so that you can escape from the sheltering love (read as overbearing) of you parents. 

      To the wonderfully lovely Ro I leave my uncanny healing ability to help with any sickness you are currently dealing with and with any future illnesses that may come along at later dates.  This can be especially useful when dealing with 3 (or more) children when you just don't have time to be sick.  I also leave you with any and all leftover diapers, first aid equipment, and my secret stash of "Daddy's helpful pills and mystery substances" that make me so much easier to deal with on those long weekends. 

      To the talented and lovely Crystal I leave my sense of determination.  This only occasionally used feature has the ability to allow the user to not give a damn what anyone else thinks of what they are doing. It comes with a willingness to tell anyone that their opinion is worth a large pile of dog shit to you as well.  The determination has an additional "blinder" feature which can block out most obstacles of distraction ( this feature has never been used by the previous owner).  I also leave you whatever vehicle I own at the time, unless of course it is snatched by the ex beforehand. 

     To the exceedingly tall and bald Ron I leave my sense of humor and comic timing.  No offense brother, but you can use the help.  This feature can help in many areas of life, whether you need to make fun of someone or just want to make Maurice shoot caffeine free Pepsi from his nose, it's all good.  I also leave you all my silverware and tupperware, why?  Honestly I don't really have anyone else to give it to.

      To my newest neighbor Chris I leave my history and knowledge of Maurice and his family.  I would hate for all of these memories and often socially frightening experiences to go to waste.  Some key notes on this will be to never drink any homemade punch at a Broaddus function and never to casually pop in an old vhs tape just to see what might be on there.  I also leave you all my AC/DC cd's to play at full volume while driving to remember me. 

     To Harley I leave the twinkle in my eye and my unique style of charm.  Getting out of trouble while making fun of those who are forgiving you is an unusual talent, but it has served me well.  Just feel free to add this gift as an alternative to your own different but effective personal charm.   I also leave you all the copies of C.S. Lewis that I own to use as firepaper.  (All right in full disclosure I don't own any C.S. Lewis books, but I do have alot of Christian self-help books that for some odd reason people keep giving me.  So you can have them instead).

     For anyone else reading this fear not I have not forgotten you.  I ask my previously mentioned best friend and hetero-life partner Maurice to take whatever stashed cash, drugs, and alcohol he can scrounge from my remains and send me off in style.  I wish to be stuffed and placed  on a short pedestal, place a whiskey in my hand and staple a smile on my face.  Then throw the most hellacious wake ever, with lots of booze, drugs, hookers, strippers of all sexes, farm animals, fire trucks, hermaphrodites, hillbillies, hoodrats, rappers, rockers, midgets, fidgets, lovers, haters, and jail baiters.  Finally light my remains on fire and let the place burn down around me.  And anyone reading this is invited. 

     I being of somewhat sound mind and temptingly fun body, decree this to be my last will and e-testament. 

     Love, peace, and hairgrease.  I will see you all on the other side......eventually.

     Jonathan K. Harp.