Last Will and Testament

     Ok, first off I am not going to die.  At least not anytime soon, that I know of anyway.  But there is no time like the present to get started in planning for the lives of those who will survive me, however pointless those lives may seem to be without me around. 

      Unfortunately for most of you, I have no actual valuable assets or cash and what I do have will go to my kids or more likely in reality the ex-wife as their guardian.  So she can probably plan to spend it all on a nice trip to Kings Island, as long as she can scrape together some discount coupons to help out.  But fear not I will be dispatching less tangible, but highly worthwhile nonetheless, items from the "Jon" collection of traits.  In addition I may be able to save back a few personal items to go along with these gifts when necessary, so don't worry it won't all just be nice thoughts there could be some miniscule value objects to go with it.  Woo-Hoo!  

       So here we go:

     To my best friend and lifelong hetero-life partner Maurice I leave my ability to say no to anything that would require much effort on my part when asked.  In concert with this comes my additional ability to ignore people that bother me, I know you already have  a strong measure of this but you can never have enough.  Sometimes you have to say no and just stay home and watch "the Office".  You also get any literature and video products and equipment that I have leftover, this includes the dvd in the "hidden spot" that you can pass along to your dad.

     To the lovely Sheryl I leave my decisiveness.  Sometimes you have to just make a choice and live with it, for good or bad.  In concert with this gift comes my ability to rationalize those decisions at a later date. You also get any and all hooded sweatshirts that I own. 

     To the equally lovely Lauren I leave my gambling and playful natures.  You need to take a few crazy risks every now and then just to feel the adrenaline rush that comes with potential disaster,and simultaneously being able to laugh at your wins and losses.  The playful nature can be used to augment your taunting and teasing skills and hone them to a fine and sharp point, so use it carefully, but generously.  In addition you can have whatever furniture and living arrangements I have at the time of my death so that you can escape from the sheltering love (read as overbearing) of you parents. 

      To the wonderfully lovely Ro I leave my uncanny healing ability to help with any sickness you are currently dealing with and with any future illnesses that may come along at later dates.  This can be especially useful when dealing with 3 (or more) children when you just don't have time to be sick.  I also leave you with any and all leftover diapers, first aid equipment, and my secret stash of "Daddy's helpful pills and mystery substances" that make me so much easier to deal with on those long weekends. 

      To the talented and lovely Crystal I leave my sense of determination.  This only occasionally used feature has the ability to allow the user to not give a damn what anyone else thinks of what they are doing. It comes with a willingness to tell anyone that their opinion is worth a large pile of dog shit to you as well.  The determination has an additional "blinder" feature which can block out most obstacles of distraction ( this feature has never been used by the previous owner).  I also leave you whatever vehicle I own at the time, unless of course it is snatched by the ex beforehand. 

     To the exceedingly tall and bald Ron I leave my sense of humor and comic timing.  No offense brother, but you can use the help.  This feature can help in many areas of life, whether you need to make fun of someone or just want to make Maurice shoot caffeine free Pepsi from his nose, it's all good.  I also leave you all my silverware and tupperware, why?  Honestly I don't really have anyone else to give it to.

      To my newest neighbor Chris I leave my history and knowledge of Maurice and his family.  I would hate for all of these memories and often socially frightening experiences to go to waste.  Some key notes on this will be to never drink any homemade punch at a Broaddus function and never to casually pop in an old vhs tape just to see what might be on there.  I also leave you all my AC/DC cd's to play at full volume while driving to remember me. 

     To Harley I leave the twinkle in my eye and my unique style of charm.  Getting out of trouble while making fun of those who are forgiving you is an unusual talent, but it has served me well.  Just feel free to add this gift as an alternative to your own different but effective personal charm.   I also leave you all the copies of C.S. Lewis that I own to use as firepaper.  (All right in full disclosure I don't own any C.S. Lewis books, but I do have alot of Christian self-help books that for some odd reason people keep giving me.  So you can have them instead).

     For anyone else reading this fear not I have not forgotten you.  I ask my previously mentioned best friend and hetero-life partner Maurice to take whatever stashed cash, drugs, and alcohol he can scrounge from my remains and send me off in style.  I wish to be stuffed and placed  on a short pedestal, place a whiskey in my hand and staple a smile on my face.  Then throw the most hellacious wake ever, with lots of booze, drugs, hookers, strippers of all sexes, farm animals, fire trucks, hermaphrodites, hillbillies, hoodrats, rappers, rockers, midgets, fidgets, lovers, haters, and jail baiters.  Finally light my remains on fire and let the place burn down around me.  And anyone reading this is invited. 

     I being of somewhat sound mind and temptingly fun body, decree this to be my last will and e-testament. 

     Love, peace, and hairgrease.  I will see you all on the other side......eventually.

     Jonathan K. Harp.

Babeling

I sat through yet another unispiring sermon this Sunday and it happened to hit on one of those stories from the OT that I have always avoided thinking about because it proved difficult to reconcile with the old"it's all true in there" mantra of the Southern Baptist Convention in which I was brought up.  The story was the tower of Babel tale from Genesis chapter 11 I believe.  I read through it and didn't think well if I believe in an all powerful God then it is at least possible, however unlikely, instead I thought, this is just ridiculous. 

God worries that we may be capable of accomplishing anything because we have one common language?  Give me a break, it is obviously a simple story to explain why different people speak languages that are strange and unusual to them.  Why does it have to be in there, unless like so many other stories it is simply an explanatory fable.  Which is fine as long as it isn't represented as vital and important to hold as truth in faith.  Because if that is the case then I can't buy the validity of the text.

So either it is "true" from cover to cover and I think the whole thing is a crock, or I have to pick and choose which things are "real miracles" and which ones are just stories to explain a phenomena or relate a moral truth.  If it's the second, then I have to question everything from creation through the miracles of Jesus.  So without the miracles is Jesus just a guy with some nice ideas?  If so, I can deal with that, I think they are good ideas on the whole, but the concept of seeing him as some sort of savior then loses validity in my mind.  If he didn't really turn water to wine, then maybe he didn't quite defeat that whole death thing.  If that is the case then the moral authority of the book is gone for me.  What purpose is there in using it as any more than a guideling to treating others in the way we want to be treated?

Now if I can take the Jesus stuff as truth and real, then can I just drop the rest of it?  I think so, beyond what he said I don't see much authority in the words of men.  It is said that all scripture is "God breathed" but that comes from the scripture, so I could just as easily say this post is God breathed.  I don't have to back it up with any proof, it's my word against yours.  I haven't decided yet if I accept Jesus stuff to be truth, I look at the nature of the universe and this world and find it hard to imagine it all as random and accidental, but I find the idea that we have even the slightest inkling of what God is, or was, or wants, or thinks equally hard to imagine.  And that would include the Bible. 

There are alot of things that Jesus said about how to treat people, but he didn't lay down a lot of specific rules from what I can tell, more like good guidelines that appeal to the average person's sense of right and wrong.  Those rules seem to come from everyone else who claim to know what God is trying to tell us and is choosing them to let us in on it.  If Joel Osteen or Rick Warren come out next week and say that God spoke to them and gave them a "new book" of rules relating to modern life and morally ambiguous situations we would say they were off their nut, but why do I assume that Paul was any less potentially insane?  Because he says he wasn't and someone along the way validated it and called it scripture?  I find it harder and harder to buy.  It sounds like a long string of men with pens and power standing behind a "God curtain" and telling us to keep our eyes shut and our ears open, and not to pay any attention to the men behind the curtain. 

If you want to give me a new Bible that only has the red letters and leaves off everything else, including the biographers opinions of what was meant in the words in red, then I can give it some thought.  Like I said, I haven't closed the door to that room just yet, but since I increasingly see God as the absentee landlord, I doubt it stays open much longer. 

I have reviewed all of my past posts and decided to keep only the ones I found slightly entertaining.  Which is two.  The rest were all crap.   I may go in a new direction with this, or I may abandon it completely, not sure yet.    By the by, don't bother telling me how they were good and not crap, I wrote them and I hold all rights to determine their intrisic value. 

Of course all steps are in a new direction, or in no direction at all.  

Currently Watching Citizen Kane (Two-Disc Special Edition) By Orson Welles, Joseph Cotten see related

Random thoughts...

I was thinking the other day of how much my life has seemed like a movie lately, when a disturbing thought occurred to me.  In the movie of my life I wouldn't be played by George Clooney or some other star, it would definitely be Ralph Maccio of "Karate Kid" fame.  Sad, but true.

I have never understood why it is a pair of underwear, you wear just one at a time.  Unless I've been doing it wrong all along.

There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but is it really worth the effort?

If you are a male age 25 or older, and you aren't able to quote large portions of "The Godfather"  I think you have some issues and are probably untrustworthy.

You know those Germans, they're not all sunshine and lollipops.

In Christian Scientology all reality is made by agreement.  I think we can all agree that L. Ron Hubbard is Tony Robbins masquerading as Benny Hinn.

Monkeys sell.  I will probably buy any product endorsed by a chimp. 

I don't know who invented Cool Whip, but I would kiss that person full on the lips, irregardless of gender.

Irregardless is not a real word.  It annoys me to no end when someone says irregardless.

Penguins make me laugh, giraffes make me smile, roaches make me shudder, koalas make me sad, and I am really suspicious of armadillos.

I love the word exquisite.  I just don't get to use it very often.  "That Cool-whip ad with the monkey was just exquisite."

Sooner or later, there won't be a sooner or later.

"The little bastard shot me in the ass!"  best movie line ever. 

Suffering is inevitable, misery is a choice.

I really don't like needles, I would be such an underachiever as a heroin addict. I would always be procrastinating getting high.

If there is a house band in hell, it will be Chicago.  Nothing is more evil than Peter Cetera's voice.  Hounds of hell rejoice in the hearing.

I am so glad that I live in the time after someone came up with the idea of toilet paper.

Has anyone ever thought that clowns were cute and funny?  Deeply disturbing is my definitition.

Sean Penn is a great actor, and Bono is a terrific frontman, but has anyone ever taken themselves more seriously? 

You spin me right round baby, right round, like a record baby. round, round, round, round. 

That's it you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Currently Playing Yummy Yummy By Wiggles Please Just Shoot Me! see related

In the immortal words of C. Montgomery Burns,

"Will there ever be a rainbow?"

Well I'm off.